Monday, January 23, 2006

AN OPEN LETTER TO MICHAEL MOORE

Dear Mike, I just read your statement on the upcoming Canadian elections, and I'd like to respond.
Far be it from me, as an American, to suggest what you should do. You already have too many Americans telling you what to do. Well, actually, you've got just one American who keeps telling you to roll over and fetch and sit. I hope you don't feel this appeal of mine is too intrusive but I just couldn't sit by, as your friend, and say nothing.
So, what's it gonna be, Mikey? You're killing me here! Do you really think this weak, motherly attempt at justifying your intrusion into another country's political process is actually working ? Could you be a bit more insulting ?
Oh, Canada -- you're not really going to elect a Conservative majority on Monday, are you? That's a joke, right? I know you have a great sense of humor, and certainly a well-developed sense of irony, but this is no longer funny. Maybe it's a new form of Canadian irony -- reverse irony! OK, now I get it. First, you have the courage to stand against the war in Iraq -- and then you elect a prime minister who's for it. You declare gay people have equal rights -- and then you elect a man who says they don't. You give your native peoples their own autonomy and their own territory -- and then you vote for a man who wants to cut aid to these poorest of your citizens. Wow, that is intense! Only Canadians could pull off a hat trick of humor like that. My hat's off to you.
Dang. I should have waited a bit and the answer would have become obvious. Mike, you snide little cookie you. You've just managed to insult your Canadian friends again! I mean, come on... Listing a whole bunch of stuff a group of people did and that you have a beef with, and then telling them that only they could pull that stunt? Why not call them worthless moose-sodomizing lumberjacks? The intent is the same, it's shorter to write out, and at least it has a veneer of honesty to it. Face it, Mikester. You're nobody's mommy up in Canada. Actually, I think you have a set of real big, stainless-steel, klanking-in-the-breeze cojones to lecture any voters of any foreign country on how to cast their ballot. Especially after your brazen support of a Democratic candidate who was so far out on the left fringe that he was torpedoed by his own party and replaced with a stale botoxed career Senator who flip-flopped the same way you accuse the Canadian government of flip-flopping. So you only have 2 choices here, oh wise Buddha of the pseudo-documentary. 1. Move to Canada, become naturalized over there, and become their problem. 2. Stay here in the U.S., take all the money you have, put it in savings account, and live off the interest for the rest of your life without sounding like a modern rehash of Leni Riefenstahl. Now, I feel like I've done my part to help Canada. After all, they have enough problems of their own. And honestly, you're just adding to them. Take care, Nick L.

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